Traffic School - You Might Be Legally Required to Hit a Deer - 12/05/2025

In this deliriously unhinged episode of Traffic School Powered by The Advocates, the universe immediately collapses into pure Idaho-flavored pandemonium as Lieutenant Crain, the patron saint of last-minute dial-ins, fails to materialize in the studio and instead broadcasts from the taxpayer-funded road beast he’s steering through a blizzard like a man who has made peace with frostbite and municipal liability. Meanwhile Viktor Wilt, the only anchor keeping this show from drifting into an FM radio Bermuda Triangle, valiantly tries to wrangle topics while clinging to his brand-new Advocates-issued guitar—a mystical instrument so powerful it screams, “LEARN A CHORD, COWARD,” every time he looks at it. The chaos escalates immediately as they tackle Elon Musk’s divine proclamation that Tesla drivers can now text and drive, prompting Crain to laugh like a man who has written so many citations that irony is his love language. Then comes the Canadian Santa Parade Crisis, where anti-Christmas gremlins post signs that psychologically nuke children along the route, and Crain—ever the constitutional cowboy—reminds everyone that the First Amendment protects even joy-sabotaging weirdos.

Suddenly Crazy Carl manifests from the ether like a cryptid drawn to the smell of static electricity, asking whether flashing headlights can hack traffic lights like some drive-thru wizardry. Crain informs him he’s been placebo-ing himself like a man who believes Mountain Dew can cure gout. Peaches calls in next, trembling like a frightened woodland creature, asking if he should let road-ragers flash their headlights behind him until their retinas explode; Crain calmly tells him to embrace it, for he must not exceed the speed his soul can handle. Then Amber from Mountain View Hospital arrives wielding the best question of the century: whether you’re better off hitting an animal instead of swerving, and whether that advice applies to humans. Crain answers with veteran wisdom: moose are boss-level enemies that enter your windshield like large, angry furniture; squirrels are optional collateral; humans should not be center-punched under any circumstances.

As if the portal to madness has fully opened, someone else calls to recount how a state trooper tried to impound his motorcycle because his friend played Fast & Furious on the highway shoulder. Crain roasts District 5 troopers so hard they probably felt a disturbance in the Force. Viktor then dives into the political sign theft wars, accusing—very lovingly—his own dentist of moonlighting as a midnight sign bandit, tiptoeing through Idaho Falls like a fluoride-scented raccoon with a vendetta. Crain explains that most signs disappear because volunteers plant them like invasive species on private property, and business owners promptly yeet them into oblivion. More callers erupt like gremlins in a dryer: questions about traffic flow, impeding laws, slippery roads, back injuries, and why Idahoans drive 25 mph in a 35 as if every street is a funeral procession for common sense.

By the end, Viktor and Crain sound like two men who have fought the Hydras of Idaho traffic law using only sarcasm and thin radio signal strength. They sign off with weary triumph, promising to return next week when, surely, the state of Idaho will invent new stupid things to do with their vehicles.