The Divorce I Never Saw Coming: Trauma, Grief & Bipolar Disorder

In this deeply personal episode of This Is Bipolar, Dr. Andrea Vassilev sits down with Shaley Hoogendoorn for an honest conversation about one of the most difficult and unexpected years of Shaley's life.

Shaley opens up about the sudden end of her marriage, how she discovered that her life was about to change, and what it has been like to navigate the shock, grief, and trauma of a divorce she never saw coming. Andrea helps Shaley look back on the past year—not just at what happened, but at what happened inside of her as she tried to process an enormous loss while also living with bipolar disorder.

Together, they talk about the impact that trauma, grief, uncertainty, and attachment injury can have on mental health and mood stability. Shaley shares candidly about how this experience affected her bipolar disorder, the fear of becoming unwell during a crisis, and the work it has taken to recognize what is trauma, what is grief, and what may be connected to bipolar symptoms.

The conversation also explores self-stigma and the complicated feelings that can surface when someone with bipolar disorder is struggling. Instead of simply being allowed to grieve, there can be an added layer of questioning: Is this a normal response to what I've been through? Is this my bipolar disorder? Am I becoming unwell? Can I trust myself?

Shaley and Andrea discuss the things that have helped Shaley move through the past year, including therapy, medication, community, peer support, self-care, honesty, and learning to trust herself again. They also talk about healing when there is no neat ending—when you're still living in the "messy middle" and taking life one small step at a time.

This isn't a story told from the other side with everything wrapped up in a bow. It's a conversation about what it looks like to keep going while you're still grieving, rebuilding, parenting, managing bipolar disorder, and figuring out what your life looks like now.

It's an honest update on where Shaley has been, where she is today, and the hope she is slowly finding as she begins to imagine what might come next.

(00:08:25) The phone search that revealed “divorce lawyer” (00:11:09) The first weeks of shock, panic, and physical overwhelm (00:16:24) Trauma, fragmentation, and why the story feels hard to tell (00:19:04) Losing the identity of wife, stay-at-home mom, and financial safety (00:22:52) Ambiguous grief and the death of a life that could have been (00:25:06) How the crisis affected bipolar symptoms (00:28:44) Suicidal ideation and getting through the worst moments safely (00:31:02) Self-stigma, feeling unlovable, and challenging that belief (00:37:28) Protecting sleep, medication changes, and weekly therapy (00:46:16) Glimmers, future hopes, and learning to trust myself again

with Shaley Hoogendoorn for an honest conversation about one of the most difficult and unexpected years of Shaley's life.

Shaley opens up about the sudden end of her marriage, how she discovered that her life was about to change, and what it has been like to navigate the shock, grief, and trauma of a divorce she never saw coming. Andrea helps Shaley look back on the past year—not just at what happened, but at what happened inside of her as she tried to process an enormous loss while also living with bipolar disorder.

Together, they talk about the impact that trauma, grief, uncertainty, and attachment injury can have on mental health and mood stability. Shaley shares candidly about how this experience affected her bipolar disorder, the fear of becoming unwell during a crisis, and the work it has taken to recognize what is trauma, what is grief, and what may be connected to bipolar symptoms.

The conversation also explores self-stigma and the complicated feelings that can surface when someone with bipolar disorder is struggling. Instead of simply being allowed to grieve, there can be an added layer of questioning: Is this a normal response to what I've been through? Is this my bipolar disorder? Am I becoming unwell? Can I trust myself?

Shaley and Andrea discuss the things that have helped Shaley move through the past year, including therapy, medication, community, peer support, self-care, honesty, and learning to trust herself again. They also talk about healing when there is no neat ending—when you're still living in the "messy middle" and taking life one small step at a time.

This isn't a story told from the other side with everything wrapped up in a bow. It's a conversation about what it looks like to keep going while you're still grieving, rebuilding, parenting, managing bipolar disorder, and figuring out what your life looks like now.

It's an honest update on where Shaley has been, where she is today, and the hope she is slowly finding as she begins to imagine what might come next.

(00:08:25) The phone search that revealed “divorce lawyer” (00:11:09) The first weeks of shock, panic, and physical overwhelm (00:16:24) Trauma, fragmentation, and why the story feels hard to tell (00:19:04) Losing the identity of wife, stay-at-home mom, and financial safety (00:22:52) Ambiguous grief and the death of a life that could have been (00:25:06) How the crisis affected bipolar symptoms (00:28:44) Suicidal ideation and getting through the worst moments safely (00:31:02) Self-stigma, feeling unlovable, and challenging that belief (00:37:28) Protecting sleep, medication changes, and weekly therapy (00:46:16) Glimmers, future hopes, and learning to trust myself again

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📚 This Is Bipolar Book Club

Come read with us! Our FIRST BOOK is BEYOND the Bipolar Label: A Workbook to Overcome Self-Stigma, Break Free from Shame and Live Authentically by Dr. Andrea Vassilev.

The This Is Bipolar Book Club is a space to read, connect, and have meaningful conversations around books that explore mental health, bipolar disorder, healing, and the experiences that shape us. Whether you read every page or simply want to join the conversation, we'd love to have you.

Sign up here for 'this is bipolar' BOOK CLUB

• Group online video sessions (8 total)

• Twice-monthly meetings for 4 months

• In-depth coverage of all 8 chapters of Beyond the Bipolar Label workbook

• Guided workbook discussions

• Honest conversations about self-stigma

• Connect with others living with bipolar disorder

  *Bonus session with author Dr. Andrea Vassilev

DATES & TIMES: SESSION 1: Sun September 20 SESSION 2 + 3 Sun October 4 &18 SESSIONS 4 + 5 Sun November 1 & 15 SESSIONS 6 + 7 Sun December 6 & 20 SESSION 8 Sun January 3 ALL SESSIONS @ 12 PM PACIFIC STANDARD TIME

About Shaley:

Shaley Hoogendoorn is the creator and host of This Is Bipolar, a podcast dedicated to sharing honest, unfiltered conversations about what it is really like to live with bipolar disorder. Through storytelling, education, and conversations with others who live with bipolar disorder, mental health professionals, and advocates, Shaley works to challenge stigma and help people feel less alone in their experiences.

Diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder at 32, Shaley brings her own lived experience to every conversation. She openly shares the realities of navigating depression, hypomania, relationships, motherhood, grief, major life changes, and the ongoing work of caring for her mental health.

This Is Bipolar has grown into a global community, with the podcast reaching more than 330,000 downloads and Shaley connecting with tens of thousands of people through social media. Her work is rooted in the belief that there is power in hearing someone say, “Me too.”

Shaley is also an elementary school teacher, mother, speaker, content creator, and mental health advocate. Whether behind the microphone or connecting with her community online, she uses vulnerability and storytelling to create conversations that reduce shame, increase understanding, and remind people living with bipolar disorder that they are not alone.