Nothing Is More Terrifying Than Diane Lane Under the Tuscan Sun with Trixie and Katya

The fog has settled in, surrounding the dark soulless condo nestled amongst the broken dreams and shattered souls of Hollywood. High above the urine-stained street, a lamp flickers dimly in a window. Faint shadows on the walls can be seen from below, giving only a tiny glimpse into the horrible monstrosities that dance within. Two hairless, beady-eyed incubi sit opposite each other, their bony claw-like hands holding microphones as they laugh and jest and mock humanity between ads for underwear and sex toys. The full moon breaks through the clouds as dusk finally arrives, causing the two vile creatures to transform into wigged, makeup-caked women, concealing their true demonic forms and allowing them to unleash a symphony of murder, mayhem, and dismemberment upon the fine citizens of Tinseltown. Lock your windows, bolt your doors, and draw the shades, because this Bald Halloween shall end in bloodshed...

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Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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