How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs. John & Julie Gottman

Happiness levels are really high when we’re young. They then steadily dip through our 20s, 30s, and 40s, and bottom out in our early 50s–at which point, they make a sharp and sudden rise. Then, through our 60s, 70s, and 80s, they are way above where we were in our youth.  Why is this? Why do we get happier even as our bodies are falling apart? Here’s another question: Why, from the standpoint of evolution, do humans stick around way past the point of reproductive age? The answer to all of these questions, per our guest today, is: wisdom.  Dr. Dilip Jeste is a Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of California, San Diego, and the author of Wiser: The Scientific Roots of Wisdom, Compassion, and What Makes Us Good. In this conversation, we talk about how exactly he defines wisdom, what people of all ages can do to become wiser now, and the relationship between wisdom and loneliness. A quick content warning: this conversation includes references to sensitive topics, including suicide, substance abuse, and depression. Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/dilip-jeste-379

15 Sep 20211h 2min

Here’s a thought experiment: how would you handle it if you got a terrible diagnosis? Of course, many of us have no choice but to find out. This is the situation Suleika Jaouad faced when she got gravely ill at a very young age. She had to figure out how to have a sense of agency when so much was out of her control, and how to stay awake and present when her life was hanging in the balance.  Suleika Jaouad is a journalist, author, speaker, cancer survivor, and the author of a book called Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted. She is also the creator of “Life, Interrupted,” the Emmy award-winning New York Times column and video series that she created from her hospital bed.  In this conversation, we talk about: Suleika’s journey from being diagnosed with leukemia as a young adult to her recovery today; managing your emotions in excruciating situations; handling an ocean of uncertainty; feeding your need for creativity and productivity when your body is in mutiny mode; and the immense value of strategically going easy on yourself, especially when you’re an ambitious person.  Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/suleika-jaouad-378

13 Sep 20211h

A common problem among type-A people is trying to win at meditation. But the practice doesn’t work like that. If you over-effort, if you try to make something happen, it’s pretty much guaranteed not to happen. What is guaranteed is that you will suffer. Meditation is like a video game where you can’t move forward if you want to move forward too badly.  Our guest today is Alexis Santos, who has been practicing meditation for twenty years and was a student of the highly influential Burmese monk Sayadaw U Tejaniya. Alexis is also a core teacher in the Ten Percent Happier app and the lead teacher of our On the Go course. In this episode, Alexis recounts his time learning from Sayadaw and shares an approach to meditation that is more relaxed than what many of us may be used to. It just might change your practice. Watch Season 2 of Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. Subscription required. Apple TV+ and/or select content may not be available in all regions. To join the Ted Lasso Challenge by midnight tonight, download the Ten Percent Happier app here: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/alexis-santos-377

8 Sep 202155min

In this episode, we’re talking about the difference between kindness and what our guest, La Sarmiento, calls “radical kindness,” how to muster the strength to be kind to annoying people while setting appropriate boundaries, the difference between radical compassion and what the Tibetans call “idiot compassion,” and their experience of learning to accept themselves in a culture that is not always so welcoming. Sarmiento, whose pronouns are they/them, has been practicing Vipassana meditation since the 1990’s. They are a graduate of the Spirit Rock Community Dharma Leader Training Program and a mentor in the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program. They serve as the guiding teacher for the BIPOC and LGBTQ+ sanghas at the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, DC, where they are also board president. We are bringing you this Ten Percent Happier podcast series in collaboration with the Apple TV+ Original Series Ted Lasso because kindness is a huge theme in the show, and there are many practical lessons embedded right in the plot. CTA: Watch Season 2 of Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. Subscription required. Apple TV+ and/or select content may not be available in all regions. Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/la-sarmiento-376

6 Sep 20211h 1min

In this episode we’re talking about how what you believe— about yourself, or about the world — can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if you believe the world is a cold and unforgiving place, it can become that way. And if you believe that you have limited capacities for kindness, you can, in effect, make it so. Our guest is Jamil Zaki, who is making his second appearance here on the show. Jamil is a professor of psychology at Stanford University and the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab. He is a leading expert on empathy and the author of the book The War for Kindness. Jamil discusses three levels of kindness: kindness toward ourselves, kindness in our close relationships, and kindness in our communities. He argues that starting with the self is critical, but also that the kinder we can make our communities, the kinder we will be ourselves. And the more we reorient ourselves to focus on the positive, the more we can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of kindness. We are bringing you this Ten Percent Happier podcast series in collaboration with the Apple TV+ Original Series Ted Lasso because kindness is a huge theme in the show, and there are many practical lessons embedded right in the plot. Watch Season 2 of Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. Subscription required. Apple TV+ and/or select content may not be available in all regions. To sign up for the Ted Lasso Challenge, download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jamil-zaki-375

1 Sep 20211h

Here’s a question: Is there an evolutionary advantage to being kind?  Our guest today is Dacher Keltner, an eminent scientist who will make the case that, contrary to popular conceptions of evolution (dog-eat-dog, survival of the fittest), and contrary to a lot of what we see on the news, our species is actually uniquely wired for kindness and compassion. Dacher Keltner is the Director of the Social Interaction Lab at the University of California at Berkeley, the Faculty Director of the Berkeley Greater Good Science Center, and the author of the book Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life.  In this episode, we talk about Darwin’s perspective on human sympathy and selfishness, where he stands on the question of Original Sin versus Buddha Nature, the importance of touch when it comes to communicating compassion, and the relationship between teasing and kindness.  We are bringing you this Ten Percent Happier podcast series in collaboration with the Apple TV+ Original Series Ted Lasso because kindness is a huge theme in the show, and there are many practical lessons embedded right in the plot. Watch Season 2 of Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. Subscription required. Apple TV+ and/or select content may not be available in all regions. Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/dacher-keltner-374

30 Aug 202158min

Stress – which many of us despise and try to avoid – does not actually have to be a bad thing. Rather, it’s our relationship to stress, our mindset about stress, that determines whether we are helped or harmed by it. Today’s guest has the science to back this up and the practical tools to help you transfer her insights from the lab to your life. Modupe Akinola is an Associate Professor of Management at the Columbia Business School and host of the TED Business podcast. She is also one of the featured experts in our Stress Better course in the Ten Percent Happier app. In this conversation, Modupe talks about what she’s learned during these extraordinarily stressful last couple of years, what she calls the “stress mindset” (and how to cultivate it), and the vast resources available to us for handling stress (and how to tap them). We also dive into another of Modupe’s areas of expertise: how to have productive conversations around the often stressful–but critical–issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion. Get ready for the upcoming Ted Lasso Challenge by downloading the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/modupe-akinola-373

25 Aug 20211h

Friendship might not necessarily be something you’ve considered to be an urgent psychological and physiological issue. On this show, we spend a lot of time exploring how the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives and our health. Sadly, in many ways, it’s harder than ever to make and keep friends.  With loneliness and disconnection on the rise, it’s clear that our society just wasn’t constructed for social connection. And recent data suggests we’re in a friendship crisis, with many of us reporting that we have fewer close friendships than ever. Our guest today is Robin Dunbar, an Emeritus Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at Oxford University and the author of numerous books on the development of Homo sapiens. Dunbar is perhaps best known for formulating “Dunbar's number,” which is a measurement of the number of relationships our brain is capable of maintaining at any one time. He is a world-renowned expert on human relationships, and has a ton of fascinating research findings and practical tips for upping your friendship game. In this conversation, we dive into the science behind human relationships, the upsides and downsides of maintaining friendships on social media, the viability of friendships across gender lines, and what science says you can do to compensate if you feel you are currently lacking in close friendships.  Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/robin-dunbar-372

23 Aug 20211h 3min