Traffic School - 06/13/2025

STRAP IN AND RIP OFF THE REARVIEW MIRROR, BECAUSE THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF TRAFFIC SCHOOL POWERED BY THE ADVOCATES WAS A FLAMETHROWER TO THE FACE OF SANITY.

Lieutenant Crain beamed in live from a classified desert location so suspicious it might as well have had alien cows grazing in the background. He dodged every question about Area 51 like a man who's definitely hiding intergalactic secrets, all while fielding legal questions from a cavalcade of chaos demons calling in from every dimension of rural America.

We started with a casual story about a Family Dollar cashier SHOOTING A SHOPLIFTER IN THE BUTT. That’s right—dollar store vigilante justice. Crain diplomatically explained that no, you can’t legally shoot someone over discounted toothpaste, but the spirit of East Idaho apparently says “meh, maybe.” Things only escalated from there.

Carl called in wondering if his 1,200 horsepower death chariot was street legal. Sure, Carl—just promise you won’t use it, which is like giving a toddler a flamethrower and asking them not to light the drapes. Meanwhile, someone else asked about riding horses through traffic, sparking a completely serious conversation about DUI loopholes involving saddles. One guy wanted to outrun a cop for fun. Another caller tried to prank the show with a horse question, got out-crazied by the actual answer, and hung up mid-giggle.

Zoom court attire became a battleground when a woman in Detroit showed up late, rocking a house robe and building a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of a fuming judge. The consensus: not technically illegal, but if you disrespect the judge's fashion sense, you're going to jail emotionally, if not legally.

Then came the Facebook Group Street Law Debate Hour, where callers ranted about left-turn intersections, misused center lanes, right-on-red arrows, and whether you can summon Satan by merging incorrectly in Idaho Falls. At least three people called just to argue with ghost traffic cops they imagined while scrolling Life in Idaho Falls at 2 a.m.

We had a 25-YEAR D.U.I. FUGITIVE who beat the system so hard it may as well have bought him dinner. Another caller demanded justice for his bullied son and accidentally uncovered a Peaches Needs a Pal conspiracy so elaborate it may be the Zapruder film of Idaho radio. Peaches, allegedly being bullied in videos, turns out to be the mastermind behind his own torment—truly a Shakespearean twist.

By the end, we were fielding questions about federal desert jurisdiction, black box crash data, and whether protestors can legally block traffic without getting rolled over by diesel trucks driven by emotionally unstable patriots with allergies. Lieutenant Crain politely reminded everyone not to blast protesters with coal smoke, while one caller fantasized about doing just that to Viktor personally.

Finally, we closed things out with a caller lost in the mountains trying to use a satellite phone to ask whether cop cars have airplane-style data recorders, a dude who needed off-air legal help immediately, and a clear indication that this show has somehow crossed over into a parallel universe where chaos is law and law is merely a suggestion.

This episode was less a radio show and more a nuclear event disguised as local traffic education. God help us all next Friday.

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