511: Shame Attacking: Overcoming a Lifetime of Social Anxiety

Shame Attacking: A Surprising Cure for Social Anxiety

Hosts:
Kevin Cornelius, LMFT
Dr. David Burns

Episode Summary

Many people believe social anxiety is caused by low self-esteem, poor social skills, or awkwardness. But what if the real culprit is shame?

In this episode, Dr. David Burns and Kevin Cornelius explore one of the most powerful—and unconventional—tools for overcoming social anxiety: Shame Attacking Exercises.

Drawing from Dr. Burns' recent Psychology Today article, Shame Attacking: Overcoming a Lifetime of Social Anxiety, they tell the remarkable story of Martin, a handsome young man whose intense shame about excessive sweating had left him isolated and unable to connect with others. Through a series of courageous shame-attacking exercises, Martin discovered something life-changing: the world was far kinder and less judgmental than he imagined.

Along the way, David shares how he first learned shame-attacking exercises from followers of psychologist Albert Ellis and describes his own unforgettable experience of asking strangers in a crowded New York restaurant if he could sample their food.

The episode highlights how bringing our perceived flaws into the open often causes shame to evaporate—much like a vampire exposed to sunlight.

In This Episode The Origins of Shame Attacking Exercises

• David's introduction to Albert Ellis's famous technique
• Why therapists should never ask patients to do something they wouldn't do themselves
• The surprising results of David's first shame-attacking exercise in a crowded Chinese restaurant

Martin's Story

• A young man whose fear of sweating kept him trapped in loneliness
• How shame—not sweating—was the real problem
• A therapy session unlike any other: jogging through Philadelphia, getting intentionally soaked, and publicly announcing his "flaw"

What Happened When Martin Stopped Hiding

• Why strangers responded with warmth instead of ridicule
• How exposing his greatest fear challenged years of distorted beliefs
• The unexpected encounter that changed his social life forever

Shame Is Like a Vampire

David introduces a memorable metaphor:

Shame survives in darkness and secrecy. When exposed to the light, it shrivels up and dies.

The discussion explores how openly acknowledging our imperfections can dramatically reduce anxiety and self-consciousness.

The Hidden Cost of Taking Ourselves Too Seriously

David and Kevin discuss:

• Why humor can be a powerful antidote to social anxiety
• The value of becoming more playful and less self-focused
• How social anxiety often convinces us that everyone is watching and judging us when they're usually not

Guidelines for Shame Attacking Exercises

David emphasizes that shame-attacking exercises are powerful but should be used thoughtfully.

Some important principles include:

Be Respectful

Exercises should never disrupt places where people deserve peace and privacy, such as hospitals, churches, or synagogues.

Be Playful, Not Aggressive

The goal is to laugh at yourself, not make others uncomfortable or upset.

Don't Wait Until You're Ready

The breakthrough often comes when you act despite feeling anxious.

Therapists Must Lead by Example

If therapists want patients to challenge shame, they should be willing to challenge their own shame as well.

Memorable Takeaways

• The problem is rarely the flaw itself—it's the hiding.
• Most people are far less judgmental than we imagine.
• Courage grows through action, not waiting for fear to disappear.
• Humor and playfulness can dissolve shame.
• Vulnerability often creates connection rather than rejection.
• The world may be much friendlier than your anxiety predicts.

Featured Article

This episode is based on Dr. David Burns' Psychology Today article:

"Shame Attacking: Overcoming a Lifetime of Social Anxiety"

The article explores Martin's story in greater detail and illustrates how shame-attacking exercises can transform social anxiety by challenging both self-criticism and fears of rejection.

We'd Love Your Feedback

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Please take a few minutes to complete the episode feedback survey linked here. Your responses help us create better episodes and continue exploring the topics that matter most to you.

Until next time, remember: the things you're most afraid to reveal about yourself may be the very things that set you free.

Contact Information

Kevin Cornelius, LMFT is a Level 5 Certified Master TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer and the Clinical Director of Feeling Good Institute--Silicon Valley. He specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, relationship problems and insomnia. You can reach Kevin at kevin@feelinggoodinstitute.com and visit his website at www.tools4change.me.

You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.

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