Unmasking Autism & AuDHD When You Can't Tell What's a Mask

Someone once told me I was playing a character when I taught my dance fitness classes, and I said that was totally me up there. Unmasking in autism and AuDHD assumes you already know where your mask is, and a lot of autistic adults do not, so this episode is about finding it and about what happens when people still read you wrong.

In the first part I go through what autistic masking actually covers, which runs well past face and eye contact into voice, wording, suppressed stims, and matched gestures, and why it gets automatic enough that the start and end of it disappear. The usual advice for locating your mask starts with noticing how you feel, and that instruction doesn't give us anything all that usable for at least half of us, because it depends on interoception.

I go through some of the signs you can check instead, how to start monitoring so you have something to compare against, and what to do with the information for unmasking.

In the second part I get into the double empathy problem, which is the reason a plain, factual thing you say can still get read as rude or hostile even when you're masking. I cover why the communication gap sits between two neurotypes rather than inside autistic people, when explaining yourself is worth the effort and when it isn't.

RESOURCES:

• Regulation Practice Library, free and ungated: https://jendehaan.com/wired-divergent/practices
• The study estimating the age most autistic people start masking: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735821001239
• The Double Empathy Problem info: https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/double-empathy

CHAPTERS:

0:00 The comment that made me question my own mask

1:30 What's in this episode

1:57 What autistic masking actually covers

5:57 Why it gets automatic and stays exhausting

7:41 Why "everyone masks" misses the point

7:58 The problem with "notice how you feel"

8:38 Other signals you can check instead

10:02 Building a baseline you can compare against

13:20 What to do with the information once you have it

16:26 The double empathy problem

20:20 What the research on mixed groups found

22:21 When explaining yourself is worth the effort

27:38 How race and gender change the read

29:24 Where to find the practice library

About Audio and Video

This show is available as a video on YouTube. Some audio you are hearing is taken from the video versions that are recorded outside, and why there are some changes in the microphone quality.

NEURODIVERGENT RESOURCES FROM JEN:

• AuDHD and autistic coaching (1:1): https://jendehaan.com/
• Regulation Practice Library (free!): https://jendehaan.com/wired-divergent/practices/
• Newsletter signup: https://jendehaan.com/newsletters
• Wired Divergent videos: https://youtube.com/@jendehaan
• Resources and blog posts: https://jendehaan.com

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About

This podcast was created, written, and is hosted by Jen deHaan. Jen has certifications related to healthy communities (Tufts University Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy), nervous system regulation, and she is a trauma-informed certified coach. She is working towards her board certified coach (BCC) credential, and has a BFA in teaching creative arts to adults. You can find her full bio here.

This podcast was made in British Columbia, Canada by Jen deHaan.

I respectfully acknowledge that I live and work on the unceded traditional territory of the Coast Salish peoples, and honour the homelands of the Qualicum First Nation and the Snaw-naw-as First Nation, as well as the ties of the Snuneymuxw and K'ómoks First Nations. I would like to express gratitude to these and all First Nations for their continued stewardship of these lands and waters where I create these episodes.

DISCLAIMER:

Wired Divergent is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice. If you're in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a qualified professional.

Crisis & Support Resources: https://jendehaan.com/mental-health-resources

Full Disclaimer: https://jendehaan.com/disclaimer

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

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