65 - Carnal Pleasures

Craig wants me to talk about something I mentioned a while back with regards to the ability to shut off my sexuality. When I was in my late teens I was a religious guy. I used to go to Church every week and was a very spiritual guy. At that time it was a crutch in my life. Something to help me deal with the pain of not being understood by other people and my family. My family never pushed me into my faith it and it was something I did of my own free will. And part of my faith was trying to control my own sexual urges and learning to control my desire to control my sexual desires. The priests call self stimulation a carnal desire something that is a biologically driven and something that you couldn't stop because for the most part it's more subconscious then conscious. I didn't believe their reasoning. I thought to myself if I could bring my sexual desires under control then I would prove to myself that the priests were wrong and that it would make be a better believer. I

attempted to stop this behavior a number of times before it worked. And when it finally worked I was able to shut down all of my sexual desire and reach what I called a blissful state. Every time I did the deed so to speak I could feel a loss in the spiritual energy and vitality inside. But I remember when I was 19 and I had mastered my sexual desires sitting on the subway and seeing attractive women walk past me and they had absolutely no effect on me.

After about 35 days I decided that although I was spiritually fulfilled and feeling confident about myself I was worried about my lack of all sexual desire. I was worried that once I did find a relationship I wouldn't be able to function anymore because I had effectively shut my sex drive down. Sex is a drug and in my case it was replaced by my spirituality and the fulfilling feelings that I received from that.

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