#166 - Friendship Repair: How to Say I'm Sorry, Accept Apologies, and Ask for One (with Marjorie Ingall)

A good apology can save a friendship; a bad one can torch it. And yes, our friends will mess up. As will we! That's why learning to say "I'm sorry" (and why!), accept an apology, and even ask for a better apology if the one you got was "off" are all important skills in maintaining and deepening your friendships.

In this episode of Dear Nina, I spoke to author and journalist Marjorie Ingall, co-author with Susan McCarthy of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies (released in paperback as Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home) and co-creator of SorryWatch.com.

Marjorie walks us through the six essential steps of a good apology and the “half step” people often forget. We discussed why bad apologies are worse than none at all, and how the timing of an apology can make or break it. Whether you’re struggling to say sorry, waiting for an apology that may never come, or wondering how to truly forgive, this conversation offers practical tools you can bring into your friendships right away.

We also explore:

• The difference between guilt and shame, and how each affects friendships.
• Why accepting an apology can be just as challenging—and important—as giving one.
• When it’s okay (and even healthy) to ask for an apology you feel you’re owed.
• Why rushing to apologize can actually backfire.
• The power of letters—both to give an apology and to solicit one.
• How forgiveness (when possible) benefits not just the friendship, but your own health and peace of mind.
• We also touch on the Jewish High Holidays as a time of reflection and repair, how apologies evolve as we age, and what Marjorie's favorite children’s book, A Bargain for Frances, can teach all of us about navigating imperfect friendships.

LINKS AND RESOURCES:

• The ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
• Ep. #34 of Dear Nina: Reconnecting with an Ex-Friend
• The six steps of a good apology on sorrywatch.com
• "Waiting for an Apology That Will Never Come" (Nina's 2014 article on Kveller)
• A Bargain for Frances by Russell Hoban

MEET MARJORIE INGALL

Marjorie Ingall is the co-author, with Susan McCarthy, of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies (released in paperback as Getting To Sorry) and co-creator of the apology watchdog site SorryWatch.com. She’s also the author of Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children. She often writes about children’s books for the New York Times Book Review and has written for many other magazines and newspapers, including Tablet and The Forward — she was a columnist for both — as well as Town & Country, Glamour, Self, Ms., Elle, New York, Time, and Newsweek. Back in the day, she was the senior writer and books editor at the late, lamented Sassy Magazine. Find Marjorie on Facebook and Bluesky.

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Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!