#0283 - My Callers Tried to Execute an Avenged Sevenfold Song Live On-Air - 12/08/2025

The episode begins with Viktor Wilt lurching onto the airwaves like a sleep-deprived cryptid, grumbling about computer settings, the mortal agony of making house payments, and the existential dread of accidentally seeing the word billing. As he rattles through a list of “dirty industry secrets,” he reveals a world where call centers spy on your hold-time rants, big-box stores pretend to recycle plastic only to yeet it straight into the garbage compactor, and medical billing is such a chaos swamp that your EOB is basically a cursed scroll you’re too afraid to interpret. Viktor reads all this like a man who has stared directly into the abyss of corporate America and found only a raccoon screaming back at him.

Then the news deluge begins — and it is feral.

Metallica fans in Australia climb a 50-meter speaker tower like sugar-addled koalas, earning themselves permanent arena bans. Viktor reflects on this with the solemnity of a man imagining himself banned from his beloved Mountain America Center, a punishment he likens to spiritual death. He then seamlessly pivots to the infamous Fabergé-Egg-Through-the-Gastrointestinal-Tract saga: six days of intestinal egg-incubation culminating in the birth of the world’s most disgusting piece of luxury jewelry. Viktor narrates this like a Discovery Channel documentary hosted by a man both horrified and deeply, deeply impressed.

Immediately after comes a goose attack so brutal that it turns into full-contact avian MMA. A 72-year-old woman, just trying to vibe with ducks, gets tackled by multiple geese guarding their nest like feathered bouncers at a dive bar. Viktor reflects with pity, awe, and the faint recognition that he too might eventually be taken out by birds.

We then descend into Florida/Japan/Georgia/Ohio-Man chaos:
— A Doc-Brown wannabe driving around with a fake radioactive dirty bomb, night-vision goggles, drugs, and bad decision-making.
— A Georgia vigilante blasting pistol rounds at a random guy outside Lowe’s because he thought shoplifting should carry the death penalty.
— Japan inventing bear-proof automatic doors because their bears have clearly reached a higher strategic consciousness.
— A Lexus driver using a flip-down license plate curtain like a James Bond villain but forgetting that cameras exist.
— An Ohio man depositing meth through a bank pneumatic tube like he’s mailing contraband directly to Santa.

And then — like a storm cloud of chaos hovering overhead — Peaches enters the studio, radiating pure chaotic neutral energy. What follows is a deranged debate over whether Nine Inch Nails made a rock song or a Daft Punk tribute, whether the Grammys have lost their mind, and which subreddit deserves to be trolled into meltdown next.

But then comes the centerpiece of madness: the Crank It or Yank It blood ritual over the new Avenged Sevenfold track “Magic.” Viktor likes it. Peaches despises it. The callers? They show up like an angry mob armed with pitchforks made of pure opinion. One by one, voice after voice, they call in to YANK IT with the force of angry medieval peasants overthrowing a monarch. Viktor, stubborn as a Viking king refusing to abandon a sinking longship, stands alone on Team Crank It, declaring, “Tell me to never play it again and I’ll play it every hour.”

By the end, there are more Yank votes than casualties in a Roman battle, but Viktor remains loyal to the bizarre, psychedelic, auto-tuned chaos of Avenged Sevenfold, while Peaches cackles like an overstimulated elf who’s been awake for 300 years.

The episode closes out with Viktor drowning in tabs, complaining about Good Charlotte touring with Avenged Sevenfold, and Peaches fantasizing about chaos erupting in metalcore subreddits. The entire show dissolves into a miasma of mushrooms, rage-bait, Snapchats from coworkers confused by the beat, and Viktor sort-of-kind-of threatening to play “Magic” one more time just to spite Revonda.