The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast24 Sep

Episode 385: Kate On: Why You Miss Him After You Leave

"Why am I suddenly missing the person I worked so hard to leave?" A woman wrote to me recently with this question, and I know this is not an uncommon thing to feel. Many women know without a doubt they made the right decision. Yet, suddenly the desire to have the family back comes roaring back. In this episode, I'm unpacking why this happens, what might actually be driving it, and how to come back to the whole story when the heart is only showing part of it. Afterall, loneliness and grief are terrible historians.

Sometimes it's another layer of grief. Sometimes it's attachment after 20 or 30 years together. If the relationship ran on cycles of cruelty followed by tenderness, there may be a trauma bond at work. I break down intermittent reinforcement, why co-parenting makes a clean break so hard, and why 12 minutes of charm in a school parking lot shouldn't be used to reconsider 20 years of data. Missing someone is information about our emotional experience, not evidence that anything about the relationship has changed.

I hope this episode brings some perspective and clarity to a really confusing thing so many women feel. It's possible to build a life where pain doesn't have to be followed by reconciliation with the person who caused it. It's possible to miss someone and still choose yourself.

What you'll hear about in this episode:

How intermittent reinforcement works and why the nervous system becomes so accustomed to the cycle
Breaking the attachment when going no contact isn't possible because of co-parenting
Why patterns tell us more than moments, and how to start spotting them
What real change looks like when seriously considering reconciliation
The grief that can't be felt until after leaving, and why it doesn't mean go back
What to do when the romanticizing starts, from referencing data you placed in your notes app to creating a relationship reality document

Resources & Links:

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

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Episoder(396)

Episode 387: Kate On: The Cornell Case, Male Violence, and the Limits of Empathy

Content warning: This episode covers the Cornell 7 case and includes discussion of sexual assault, drugging, and how survivors are failed by the systems meant to protect them. "The conversation we sh...

8 Okt 37min

Episode 386: The Divorce Paperwork You Can't Afford to Forget with Marni Blank

Today we're having a conversation that so many of us need to have but don't want to have, and that's end-of-life planning in the middle of a divorce. Divorce already comes with so many choices, and mo...

1 Okt 37min

Episode 384: End Emotional Outsourcing with Beatriz Victoria Albina, NP

There was a stretch of my life where I could not be alone. Not because I loved being social so much, but because without someone else in the room, I did not know who I was. No plans for the night mean...

17 Sep 49min

Encore Episode: When You Give Up the Authentic Fight

This week's episode is an encore episode. I'm away at my Unbreakable Retreat, so I'm revisiting one that felt right to bring back. I asked a friend who is going through a divorce what I should talk ab...

10 Sep 23min

Episode 383: Medical Decision-Making in High-Conflict Co-Parenting with Dr. Madeleine Gagnon

After divorce, medical decisions don't stop. Kids still need vaccines, dental appointments, medications, evaluations, therapy, all of it. In high-conflict or parallel parenting, even basic healthcare ...

2 Sep 51min

[Encore Episode] Your Divorce Roadmap: The Stages and Phases of Divorce

Encore Episode!! After over a decade of working with thousands of women, I've become really good at mapping out the entire divorce process and pinpointing where on that map someone might land. I've be...

27 Aug 35min

Episode 382: The Rise of Misogyny: What Midlife Women Need to Know with Laurie James

Laurie James, somatic practitioner, coach, and author of Sandwiched, returns to talk about the rise of misogyny and what it means for women inside their relationships, their families, and the broader ...

20 Aug 49min